“a drop of coffee in a cup of cream”
I had a pretty deep conversation with a friend of mine last night at the bar. I don’t remember the conversation word for word but I can convey the essence of it because it really struck me. Just to get some background out of the way; I am black (African, not African American), my friend is white (your standard Caucasian Anglo-Franco-Saxon mix), his great grandfather was a grand wizard in the Ku Klux Klan (don’t hold it against my friend, he couldn’t do anything about it), he was born and raised in a small town in the Midwest, his best friend from undergrad is demographically similar to me (African nationality, raised in upper-upper middle class America).
The conversation started with my friend leaning over to me and wanting me to make sure I understood that he has no problem with people of color, despite his great grandfather’s “involvement” in the KKK. He felt the need to do this because after finding out about his great grandfather, I cracked a couple (OK, more than a couple) of jokes about it, and he was feeling as though I was looking at him differently (pretty much, he thought that I now thought him to be a bigot, once I found out about his g.grandfather). He went on to say that it wouldn’t be fair for me to judge him as such, because he had nothing to do with that, that was his g.grandfather’s choice, not his. I reassured my friend that I don’t make it a habit to judge the people around me, let alone on the actions of ancestors they’ve never met. If I did, let’s face it, I wouldn’t have any white friends; and I don’t mean that as a purposeful indictment of all white people past, present and future, I’m just saying, if I cut out all my white friends with racist relatives, my friend pool would probably shrink more than I’d like to imagine.
He later went on to tell me about his friend from undergrad (who also I know, but not as well) and how he felt for him because he was “not black enough for most black Americans, but also not a regular white kid.” I told him that is an experience I know too well and that there was no need to explain it to me. My friend said despite all the sympathy he felt for the social quandary people like myself and his friend from undergrad find ourselves in, he still wonders to himself sometimes whether we make too big a deal of it, or whether that really is a problem. I told him that I really could not explain that phenomenon to him, it’s one of those things you either experience in your life, or you don’t. How was I going to explain to a middle class, Christian, white male how it feels to not really have a group you identify with in this country? Are there any words I could have used to explain to him what it feels like when 99% percent of the people who look like you don’t see the world AT ALL like you, and essentially disavow you? And how 99% of the people around you, even though they may think like you, don’t look AT ALL like you, and for that reason think you’re too different, thus they keep you at a distance. Is there any way I can convey to him the sense of patronization you feel when you here a white female say “I date black guys,” as if it’s some feat of courage or something she should be commended for? There are really no words for that, and that’s what I told him. It’s an experience that some of us cannot escape, and the rest of you will never fully grasp.
I said to my friend “When you look at me, the way I dress (the Brooks Brothers and Thomas Pink meet cashmere sweaters, dark jeans and Steve Madden shoes), the way I speak (vast vocabulary, east coast prep school cadence [don’t worry, I’m public school educated], and just a hint of pedantism), you probably wouldn’t even really call me black would you?” Not sensing what he was being baited into, he answered “No, I wouldn’t.” That was the closest I could come to explaining it to him. I pointed out to him that perhaps the reason he has been able to get close to me is that he doesn’t really see as a black man anymore (aka, I no longer make him uncomfortable); an initial barrier that does not exist between himself and “regular white kids” to use his phraseology. What that translates to is a process where black people such as myself (ahem…Obama) have to demonstrate that they are “safe, clean, and on your side” to whites before they are “accepted.” However, as the difference we’re talking about is phenotypic, it is always at the forefront of how people view you. As if being black entails something other than the color of your skin.
Let’s be clear on one thing though; it’s not just white people who are guilty of this. African Americans are notorious for the same thing. That’s why you’ve got instances with exploitative opportunists like Jesse Jackson saying that Barack Obama is not black enough. This is the Jesse Jackson who “prays for” Michael Vick, who vehemently asserted that R. Kelly was being “persecuted” because he was black, and who will, a priori, defend a crackhead stripper claiming she was raped before he even knows what happens, all because to Jesse Jackson, that’s what it means to be black. This is the Jesse Jackson who calls for people to stop buying Seinfeld DVDs because Michael Richards called hecklers at one of his stand-up routines “niggers,” yet turns right around and uses the word in his diatribe against Barack Obama…but that’s neither here nor there, the point is, it’s not just sheltered Midwest whites like my friend who think that way.
My friend told me about how he also cannot get over the feelings of unfairness, at the opportunities for advancement that people like myself and his friend from school are given. He told me that to him, it just doesn’t seem right that kids like us who come from “affluent” backgrounds (by affluent he meant families with more money than his) are afforded greater opportunities (e.g. given bigger scholarships, get into better schools…yada, yada, yada). I see where my friend is coming from with that, because at the end of the day, it’s not his fault that people of color in this country are where they are (now his g.grandfather on the other hand…[chuckle] sorry I couldn’t resist). Just like it’s not his fault that many people of color are in the position they’re in, there are (have been and will continue to be) generations of whites benefiting from their ancestors’ exploitations of people of color; generations who have known nothing but privilege and luxury, who never had to work for it. What my friend doesn’t understand is, those of us he’s referring to, children of color who grew up with all the fiscal advantages of upper middle class or upper class America, are so little in number, that it is wholly negligible. It’s just that he sees it every day because he’s friends with two of us (which is almost all of us), so he thinks it’s rampant. One need look no further than the first image that will pop into your head in two seconds after you read the term “token.” That tells you everything you need to know.
People like myself, besides being one of my favorite Timbaland songs (p.s. what did ever happen to Magoo?), cause quite a stir considering that, numerically, we’re just a drop of coffee in a cup of cream [I hope that wasn’t lost on you]. It should not be overlooked why, being a black male in America has opened doors for me during my formative educational years, it is because so many others get chewed up and spit out by the iniquities of their circumstances, that when social policy sees an opportunity to help, appropriate programs are designed and implemented. The fact that I was raised in an affluent suburb (not because my family has money, but because my parents were willing to make the immense financial sacrifices) combined with the color of my skin means that I belong to the felicitous few who benefit from programming and policies aimed at reversing what has been an ugly, untidy history of racism, segregation, disenfranchisement and subjugation of people of color in this country. Though my educational advancement may seem unfair to many, consider what’s going to happen when I get out; I will go right back to being a black man in America, and the period of my life where that could have ever meant something advantageous will be over. Whereas for my friend, being a white man in America never gets tired; it means he’s got the biggest, baddest (I know that’s not really the superlative of ‘bad,’) interest group on the planet at his back, Congress.
This issue is just a part of the larger intricate entanglement that is “Race in America.” And I, for one, think that it’s never going to progress in this country unless we have what my friend and I were able to have last night, an open, honest, RESPECTFUL, non-confrontational dialogue about the concept of race and its impact on our society.
For your contemplation (If you have 9 minutes to kill, you should check this out, the production is a bit cheesy, but listen to the message…and really think about it)
