phil equipped

Far be it from me to tell an NFL franchise how to run its team, but let tell the Philadelphia Eagles that they have squandered the career of Donovan McNabb. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all Lurie and Reid’s fault, McNabb didn’t help himself when he picked up a pitchfork and helped management run T.O. out of town, but he doesn’t make the personnel decisions either. Maybe I’m spoiled by having an owner like Jerrel Wayne Jones, but to watch the Eagles clip their own wings is only risible because they’re a division rival.

You look at the rest of the division, Jones has put together a gem in Dallas, The ‘Skins have hard-nosed defense has mastered the art of playing ugly, which keeps them in every game and renders them incapable of losing more than seven games in any given season, and The Gigantes are the defending Super Bowl Champs, which means they can do WHATEVER they want for the next three years. Philly went 8-8 last year and was the ONLY team in the division not to make the playoffs, yet they act as if this is the NFC East of the early 00s. They think they can just stick McNabb & Westbrook on the field and go 11-5. Maybe Reid hasn’t noticed with his kids’ insane drug problems, but the NFC isn’t the same conference it used to be.

Let’s start within the division, for the second consecutive year three out of four teams in the division made the playoffs. The Cowboys are the “class” of the division. I put class in quotes because it doesn’t really matter in the playoffs, NFC East teams are not intimidated by their division rivals in the playoffs, so I mean it’s great to have the Cowboys be the best team in the division but trust when I say that I would rather face ANYONE else in the NFC than a divisional foe in the playoffs. Nevertheless, the Cowboys set a league record with 13 Pro Bowlers last season, and there’s no reason to expect those players to repeat next season, since none of those seasons were that eye-popping. The Cowboys got Ken Hamlin resigned and drafted one of the consensus top four DBs in the draft, Mike Jenkins, who has the versatility to play corner or safety. Then the Cowboys add Adam Jones, who has proved himself to be a competent #2 CB, and if he can get himself back into game shape, and refrain from the rain dancers the secondary looks to be even more formidable. Everyone says, “yeah, but what about a #2 receiver?” Don’t forget Dallas played all last season without Terry Glenn, now whether he signs the waiver and comes back healthy is another issue. The Cowboys add Zach Thomas, and draft Martellus Bennett and Felix Jones as rookies who will fill the “voids” left by Anthony Fasano and Julius Jones. All in all, the Cowboys are a better team than last year.

As I said before, the Giants are the defending Super Bowl Champines and are “off the hook” for at least this season. However, you still have to worry about whether last season was just a fluke for Eli, or whether something has clicked for him. If it is the latter, then the division just got a serious headache, especially if he keeps Plaxico Burress. When you consider the production the Giants got from their rookies like Bradshaw and Steve Smith, it’s kind of worrisome to think that theoretically they should only get better, unless they catch the Michael Claytons disease. You want to bring up their “losses,” but when you think about it, who did they really lose besides Strahan? Yeah, they just traded Shockey, but in case you forgot they went on that run without him. That defensive line will still be one of the most formidable defensive fronts in the league, the pass rush should be fine with the loss of Strahan, they still have Justin Tuck, Mathias Kiwanuka (who I presume has learned not to let go), and 1-800-Osi-Ocean. Kawika Mitchell just flat out wasn’t that good, and I think Kenny Phillips will replace Gibril Wilson just fine. Verdict: Giants are a touch worse than they were last year simply because they lost Strahan, and that was just another horse to rotate in and keep the pass rush fresh.

Washington took a huge step forward with landing Jason Taylor. The day they lost both defensive ends, the ‘Skins land the most prolific sack artist in the league since 2000, I believe. Jason Taylor alone makes the rest of Washington’s defense better. JT Money just brings straight heat and that’s all there is to it. The offense has shown how explosive it can be, and what’s more, it has shown that it doesn’t much matter whether Jason Campbell or Todd Collins is in there calling the plays. Clinton Portis will be the horse he always is in the backfield and that’s all there is to it. Don’t let any of the three pass catchers the ‘Skins drafted pan out early and the ‘Skins are definitely in a position to win more than three games in the division.

However, when you look at Philly, what have they done? It’s almost as if they’ve been purposely squandering McNabb’s career because they know the fans never liked him (which is pretty unfair to him, have they forgotten that they wanted Ricky Williams?) and management knows they will never be blamed for the Eagles’ short comings. Let’s look at it though, who does McNabb have on that team? When you look at the tools McNabb has around, nobody is the best at their position in the division. LJ Smith? Nope. Brian Westbrook? I don’t think so; Portis is better than Westbrook if you want to go just straight up best RB in the division, but if you want to talk about entire running platoons, the Eagles come in last. Let’s not even talk about wide receiver, last is an understatement. You could take away every other team in the division’s top wide receiver, and Philly still wouldn’t necessarily be the best. With all those legitimate receivers sitting there in the draft begging to be drafted, the eagles went with DeSean Jackson, a punt returner. They better pray that ESPN airs some games on ABC, because that’s the only time I saw Jackson show up to play in college. Westbrook hasn’t played a full season in lord knows how long (neither has McNabb) but the Eagles seem content on their past accomplishments; beating up on the NFC when it was still just a JV League.

The Saints have become a top flight team in the conference, thanks to the offensive genius of Sean Payton and the resurrection of Brees. Bush should play better if Deuce McAllister comes back healthy. Add Shockey to an already loaded offense, and Jonathan Vilma (yeah) to anchor that defense, and I think it stands to reason placing the Saints ahead of the Eagles. The Panthers had an awful season last year, but they did also play it without Jake Delhomme, and mark my words, they’re back up Matt Moore will eventually be a quality starting quarterback in this league. If I’m the Bears, I offer a first or second round pick for the kid. He was Dallas’ 3^rd signal caller during Parcels’ last pre-season, but everyone knows Parcels only carries 2. Either way, Carolina will be back to reassert themselves in the conference. Throw in what should be a resurgent St. Louis squad, an overachieving Tampa Bay, a consistent Seattle, a stout Green Bay and a potent-at-every-position-but-quarterback Viking team, and Philly is not really looking at that manageable a season.

Back when their defense had the players to make Jim Johnson’s defensive scheme seen unbreakable, and McNabb, Owens (for 21 games) and Westbrook were making football look as easy as it was in the playground, the Eagles didn’t really have to worry, but now, most of their stars are gone, and the ones who are left are no longer as radiant as they once shone. Yes they added Asante Samuel, but why? They’re just going to lose Lito Sheppard because of it, and the kind of money they’ve given Samuel will prevent them from really bringing in any other defensive stars. Add to that the fact now that EVERY team in the division (except them) has a pass rusher capable of logging 16 sacks next season, McNabb is in for a long one, but hey, he’s been hearing it in Philly since he was drafted, I guess it is true the more things change, the more they stay the same.

“a drop of coffee in a cup of cream”

I had a pretty deep conversation with a friend of mine last night at the bar. I don’t remember the conversation word for word but I can convey the essence of it because it really struck me. Just to get some background out of the way; I am black (African, not African American), my friend is white (your standard Caucasian Anglo-Franco-Saxon mix), his great grandfather was a grand wizard in the Ku Klux Klan (don’t hold it against my friend, he couldn’t do anything about it), he was born and raised in a small town in the Midwest, his best friend from undergrad is demographically similar to me (African nationality, raised in upper-upper middle class America).

The conversation started with my friend leaning over to me and wanting me to make sure I understood that he has no problem with people of color, despite his great grandfather’s “involvement” in the KKK. He felt the need to do this because after finding out about his great grandfather, I cracked a couple (OK, more than a couple) of jokes about it, and he was feeling as though I was looking at him differently (pretty much, he thought that I now thought him to be a bigot, once I found out about his g.grandfather). He went on to say that it wouldn’t be fair for me to judge him as such, because he had nothing to do with that, that was his g.grandfather’s choice, not his. I reassured my friend that I don’t make it a habit to judge the people around me, let alone on the actions of ancestors they’ve never met. If I did, let’s face it, I wouldn’t have any white friends; and I don’t mean that as a purposeful indictment of all white people past, present and future, I’m just saying, if I cut out all my white friends with racist relatives, my friend pool would probably shrink more than I’d like to imagine.

He later went on to tell me about his friend from undergrad (who also I know, but not as well) and how he felt for him because he was “not black enough for most black Americans, but also not a regular white kid.” I told him that is an experience I know too well and that there was no need to explain it to me. My friend said despite all the sympathy he felt for the social quandary people like myself and his friend from undergrad find ourselves in, he still wonders to himself sometimes whether we make too big a deal of it, or whether that really is a problem. I told him that I really could not explain that phenomenon to him, it’s one of those things you either experience in your life, or you don’t. How was I going to explain to a middle class, Christian, white male how it feels to not really have a group you identify with in this country? Are there any words I could have used to explain to him what it feels like when 99% percent of the people who look like you don’t see the world AT ALL like you, and essentially disavow you? And how 99% of the people around you, even though they may think like you, don’t look AT ALL like you, and for that reason think you’re too different, thus they keep you at a distance. Is there any way I can convey to him the sense of patronization you feel when you here a white female say “I date black guys,” as if it’s some feat of courage or something she should be commended for? There are really no words for that, and that’s what I told him. It’s an experience that some of us cannot escape, and the rest of you will never fully grasp.

I said to my friend “When you look at me, the way I dress (the Brooks Brothers and Thomas Pink meet cashmere sweaters, dark jeans and Steve Madden shoes), the way I speak (vast vocabulary, east coast prep school cadence [don’t worry, I’m public school educated], and just a hint of pedantism), you probably wouldn’t even really call me black would you?” Not sensing what he was being baited into, he answered “No, I wouldn’t.” That was the closest I could come to explaining it to him. I pointed out to him that perhaps the reason he has been able to get close to me is that he doesn’t really see as a black man anymore (aka, I no longer make him uncomfortable); an initial barrier that does not exist between himself and “regular white kids” to use his phraseology. What that translates to is a process where black people such as myself (ahem…Obama) have to demonstrate that they are “safe, clean, and on your side” to whites before they are “accepted.” However, as the difference we’re talking about is phenotypic, it is always at the forefront of how people view you. As if being black entails something other than the color of your skin.

Let’s be clear on one thing though; it’s not just white people who are guilty of this. African Americans are notorious for the same thing. That’s why you’ve got instances with exploitative opportunists like Jesse Jackson saying that Barack Obama is not black enough. This is the Jesse Jackson who “prays for” Michael Vick, who vehemently asserted that R. Kelly was being “persecuted” because he was black, and who will, a priori, defend a crackhead stripper claiming she was raped before he even knows what happens, all because to Jesse Jackson, that’s what it means to be black. This is the Jesse Jackson who calls for people to stop buying Seinfeld DVDs because Michael Richards called hecklers at one of his stand-up routines “niggers,” yet turns right around and uses the word in his diatribe against Barack Obama…but that’s neither here nor there, the point is, it’s not just sheltered Midwest whites like my friend who think that way.

My friend told me about how he also cannot get over the feelings of unfairness, at the opportunities for advancement that people like myself and his friend from school are given. He told me that to him, it just doesn’t seem right that kids like us who come from “affluent” backgrounds (by affluent he meant families with more money than his) are afforded greater opportunities (e.g. given bigger scholarships, get into better schools…yada, yada, yada). I see where my friend is coming from with that, because at the end of the day, it’s not his fault that people of color in this country are where they are (now his g.grandfather on the other hand…[chuckle] sorry I couldn’t resist). Just like it’s not his fault that many people of color are in the position they’re in, there are (have been and will continue to be) generations of whites benefiting from their ancestors’ exploitations of people of color; generations who have known nothing but privilege and luxury, who never had to work for it. What my friend doesn’t understand is, those of us he’s referring to, children of color who grew up with all the fiscal advantages of upper middle class or upper class America, are so little in number, that it is wholly negligible. It’s just that he sees it every day because he’s friends with two of us (which is almost all of us), so he thinks it’s rampant. One need look no further than the first image that will pop into your head in two seconds after you read the term “token.” That tells you everything you need to know.

People like myself, besides being one of my favorite Timbaland songs (p.s. what did ever happen to Magoo?), cause quite a stir considering that, numerically, we’re just a drop of coffee in a cup of cream [I hope that wasn’t lost on you]. It should not be overlooked why, being a black male in America has opened doors for me during my formative educational years, it is because so many others get chewed up and spit out by the iniquities of their circumstances, that when social policy sees an opportunity to help, appropriate programs are designed and implemented. The fact that I was raised in an affluent suburb (not because my family has money, but because my parents were willing to make the immense financial sacrifices) combined with the color of my skin means that I belong to the felicitous few who benefit from programming and policies aimed at reversing what has been an ugly, untidy history of racism, segregation, disenfranchisement and subjugation of people of color in this country. Though my educational advancement may seem unfair to many, consider what’s going to happen when I get out; I will go right back to being a black man in America, and the period of my life where that could have ever meant something advantageous will be over. Whereas for my friend, being a white man in America never gets tired; it means he’s got the biggest, baddest (I know that’s not really the superlative of ‘bad,’) interest group on the planet at his back, Congress.

This issue is just a part of the larger intricate entanglement that is “Race in America.” And I, for one, think that it’s never going to progress in this country unless we have what my friend and I were able to have last night, an open, honest, RESPECTFUL, non-confrontational dialogue about the concept of race and its impact on our society.

For your contemplation (If you have 9 minutes to kill, you should check this out, the production is a bit cheesy, but listen to the message…and really think about it)

good looks

+Props are in order to the Chicago Bears for getting a deal done with former Lions running back, Kevin Jones. The Bears get Kevin Jones for a steal on a one year $605,000 contract. I believe that if Jones is in fact completely healed, he could really assert himself as a quality ball carrier in the NFL next season. The Bears really rectified what I felt was a HUGE mistake, by not moving up to snag Jonathan Stewart, and passing on Rashard Mendenhall. It has been clear for quite some time that Cedric Benson was not the answer for Chicago, and I think with Jones, they get a tough, blue collar type runner who really knows how to gain yards and finish runs.

+The Dallas Cowboys got a deal worked out with safety Ken Hamlin. The deal is worth 6 years and $39M, with $15M guaranteed. This is a great move for the Cowboys, whose secondary has held the team back for quite some time. With Hamlin resigned, and (hopefully) an Adam Jones re-instatement, the Cowboys will be free to put all their talented secondary players on the field during third downs. The possibility of putting Newman, Jones, Henry, Jenkins and Hamlin all out there at the same time bodes extremely well for Dallas’ nickel package. It pains me to say but the more good solid secondary players we can get active and back on field, the fewer snaps Roy Williams will see in coverage.

+Both Dallas and Chicago are inquiring about the possibility of acquiring Chris Simms from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Personally, I don’t know why John Gruden is doing holding on to the kid. Gruden obviously isn’t going to play Simms, as Garcia, McCown and Griese are listed ahead of Simms on the depth chart, and they drafted project Josh Johnson. To me, if Gruden is holding on to Simms just for shits & giggles (pardon my French), that’s terrible. Simms is a young player who looked like he was just starting to turn the corner, until that game against Carolina where they estimate his spleen had ruptured somewhere between the middle of the first quarter and beginning of the second. Especially for that game, Gruden should release Simms and let him go sign somewhere else. Obviously, the selfish side of me wants Simms in Dallas, because I think he would be a good back up, but the best thing for him would be to seek out a starting job in Chicago.

+With all this drama unfolding between the Packers and Brett Favre, I just wanted to give Aaron Rodgers some dap for handling this situation with some class. If he was just like Favre, he’d probably be crying about how unfair this whole thing was for him. Lord knows, he would probably ask for his unconditional release. I also want to take this opportunity to say that if Aaron Rodgers starts for the Green Bay Packers, they will win at least 10 games. People are sleeping on how good that Packer team is. Remember, that team should have been in the Super Bowl, but it was just one of those pesky back-breaking Favre post-season interceptions. Between Driver, Jennings, Donald Lee and the emergence of Ryan Grant, a game manager can take that team to a division title.

+Props to Bodymore, they signed their first round pick Joe Flacco to, believe it or not, a contract commensurate with his NFL experience. The Ravens got Joe Flacco for a 5 year deal worth a maximum of $30M, with $8.75M guaranteed. As far as I’m concerned Joe Flacco has a wide open chance to be the day one starter (obviously, only if he can learn the terminology and playbook fast enough). I will say though, if Flacco doesn’t win the job, it is more likely than not that Troy Smith is the starter. I saw the way he played at the end of last season, and I’m not saying he looked amazing, but compared to Boller, Smith looked like a seasoned vet.

4 all the hoopla

I’m really getting tired of this Brett Favre story that’s been dragging on since the first time he contemplated retirement. The only thing that annoys me more is all of the talking heads who speak as if Favre can do no wrong; all of them reiterating the catch phrase “Favre has earned the right to do this.” Wrong. Favre had earned the right to take as long as he needed to make the decision, but I wholeheartedly disagree that he has earned the right to retire in March, contact the team in late May saying he wants to play again, change his mind when the team wants to talk to him about it, then contact them again July to start the same thing all over again. I’ve said before, and I’ll say it again, Brett Favre is not bigger than the Green Bay Packers.

I read a comment on a message board at the end of one of ESPN’s innumerable stories on this never-ending story which had the audacity to call Brett Favre, “the greatest quarterback to play the game.” Just take a moment and let the pure, unadulterated lunacy of that statement wash over you…kinda makes you feel like Tim Robbins escaping from prison in The Shawshank Redemption, huh? (500 yards of sewage, think about it). Not that it has anything to do with this story, but the author of said comment was also a Michigan State Fan, go figure. Anyway once I had gotten the taste out of my mouth, I sat and I thought to myself, “How can anyone seriously make that statement?” Then it hit me, they’d probably have to have never watched any football for themselves and must just base that statement over what they’ve heard about Brett Favre from the media. Nobody gets passes from the media like #4, and honestly if you just listened to the Chris Bermans and Tom Jacksons of the world, you would believe that Favre was no worse than the second best quarterback ever.

Before I lose some of the less objective readers, I’m not saying Favre wasn’t over the course of his career a good quarterback who put together some great seasons (8 by my count), but I am saying (and only because I can’t speak for all of history) Brett Favre is the most over-rated player of my generation (I’m 24, 25 in December). Brett Favre has been a starting quarterback since the second game of the 1992 season. 16 years as a starter, 16, and only 8 times did Favre finish the season with a quarterback rating of 90+. I’m not saying that’s not good, but the way they talk about him; you would think he was Football Jesus. Just to put that in perspective for you, let me ask you this question, “What does that say for the other half of his seasons as a starter if half of his career was spent playing 90+ (93.9 to be exact) rated football, but his career quarterback rating is an 86?” For you non-mathematicians, it means [holding average attempts constant, of course] he spent the other half of his career playing 78 rated football, not that impressive, in case you weren’t sure.

We all know that quarterbacks’ careers are evaluated by a completely different standard than every other position; Super Bowls and consistency. Except for Brett Favre, he is only measured by his consecutive games started streak, and how warm and fuzzy he makes mainstream America feel (as long as you don’t think about his alcoholism and addiction to pain killers, but that’s neither here, nor there, America prayed for him and he-no, WE got through it together…thank the lord). So let’s do something totally radical, let’s evaluate Brett Favre the same way we would any other quarterback in the NFL [gasp!]

Let’s start with how we look at every other “pantheon player” (I really like that Josh), Brett Favre has (drum roll) one Super Bowl victory (cymbal?). Yes, boys and girls the talking heads may give you the impression that he’s won many more, but it’s just one, right there with Kurt Warner, and Trent Dilfer, in recent history. But really think about that for a second. EVERY quarterback from Eli Manning on who is lucky enough to win one Super Bowl, will have just as many as Favre. And people love to slurp the fact that he’s played so long, I don’t necessarily see that as a good thing, I say “you’re supposed to be “the greatest” and in 16 seasons as a starter, you managed two trips to the Super Bowl and one win?” I look at people giving Brett Favre dap for his iron man status the same way I look at people giving Hines Ward dap for his blocking. They just really like the guy, but they know they’ve gotta have something other than the numbers, otherwise all the love just wouldn’t make sense.

People are quick to throw out that Favre is tops in touchdown passes and tops in yardage. Both points are taken, but those same people love to conveniently omit that he is also tops in interceptions, and most importantly, tops in ATTEMPTS. Doesn’t it stand to reason that if you’re a good quarterback, and NOBODY in the history of the league has ever attempted more passes than you, then theoretically you should be number one in completions and yardage? This is another thing that it’s important to note, Dan Marino, who has all the “longevity statistics” Favre has been surpassing; a) NEVER had teams around him like Favre did, and b) Only completed 59.4% of his career attempts. That being said, Favre has less than 300 more career passing yards than Dan Marino on 401 MORE attempts. Again, for the non-mathematicians, that’s less than three-quarters of a yard for every additional attempt. We economists would call those piss-poor marginal returns. Marino, by the way, with his almost two decades with weak supporting casts and a sub-60% career completion percentage, managed a career quarterback rating of 86.4

Let’s look at efficiency. As I mentioned before, his career quarterback rating (which is the best holistic measure of efficiency we’ve got) is an 86 (or 85.7 to be exact). Again, I’m not saying Favre wasn’t good (great at times, awful at times) but here are some stats I want you to consider, in relation to the way Favre is lauded. We’ll skip Peyton Manning; 10 years, 94.7 rating, and Tom Brady; 7 years starting, 92.9 rating, and point out some other characters you might have just assumed Brett was just leagues better than, in terms of efficiency. This is done by looking at how the quarterback rating said player has posted since becoming a starter (I understand some have missed time due to injury or sucking, but understand the beauty of efficiency as measured by the quarterback rating is that it isn’t affected by time you’re not playing; it’s strictly a measure of you on the field. So it gives you an idea of what these guys do while they’re on the field. Jeff Garcia; 9 years, 87.2 rating, Donovan McNabb; 9 years, 85.8 rating, Kurt Warner; 9 years, 93.2 rating, Brian Greise; 9 years, 83.6 rating, Chad Pennington; 6 years, 88.9 rating. Those are just the active players.

Lastly, Favre has thrown so many interceptions, it almost makes his consecutive games streak a true testament to how over-rated he is. Favre has thrown 20+ interceptions in a single season five times in his career (including a career high of 29 two seasons ago). 20 interceptions is a nightmarish season for any quarterback most quarterbacks wouldn’t get the opportunity to throw 20 picks 5 times in a career because they would’ve already been shown the door. But not Brett, he’s “gunslinger,” whatever that means. Where I’m from, 20 interceptions in an NFL season either means you’re a rookie, you can’t understand the playbook, or you can’t read coverages. Favre didn’t start as a rookie, and only threw 13 interceptions his first year as a starter, while completing 64.1% of his passes (which, until last season, was his second highest completion percentage ever). So that means that in the 15 years of starting since his second year in the league, Favre throws 20 picks once every 3 seasons…wow. I know a lot of you are going to point out (well at least the ones who do their homework) that my boy Tony Romo threw 19 interceptions just this past season. That is true, and that is indefensible. That being said, Romo also did throw 36 touchdowns, and finished with a quarterback rating of 97.4. So if you’re going to throw 20 picks, you better have a helluva lot of touchdowns to go with it, to maintain a high efficiency. Favre on the other had had quarterback ratings of 72.2, 87.8, 74.7, 90.4, and 70.9 in each of his campaigns when he eclipsed the 20 interception mark. So let’s just cool all this talk about Favre being the greatest.

Favre was good, but not so good that he can treat the Packers like some girlfriend with low self esteem. He only brought them one Super Bowl, which at the end of the day, is all that matters. And I’m pretty sure one Super Bowl is less than the number of backbreaking interceptions he’s thrown in post-season play. Brett Favre is no linkJoe Montana, and if the 49ers could part ways with him, the Packers can most assuredly part ways with Favre.

going tubing

These are some of the ads/youtube clips that have had me laughing hysterically; over the past few weeks and months. I know some of these are old, but they still make me laugh. They’re just in the order they came to my mind in, so relax.

1. Darkmane tells us how he really feels about Brian Deegan.

2. Tell us what he did.

3. Whassup step-ladder?

3a. Kobe.Jackass.Hyperdunk

4. Kobe Bryant, M.D. Proctology

my fave five: tight ends

This category is more complicated than I thought it would be. This is because there are tight ends, and there are h-backs and not all having the same job descriptions. Some are asked to more than others, so it doesn’t always seem fair to “penalize” a player for something the team doesn’t ask him to do, but then again, those who excel in receiving and blocking should be commended. So I don’t know if I’m really changing the way I’m evaluating tight ends as opposed to the way I evaluated the other skill players, but here goes.

1. Jason Witten – I know, I know, you’re probably thinking that this is a homer pick, but I’m being completely honest. If I had to pick who I felt to be the most complete, productive tight end in the league, I’d have to go with Witten. Witten was victimized by his circumstances in the ’05 and ’06 seasons when he had to be held in to help block for the highly immobile and slow-moving Drew Bledsoe. In those two seasons, Witten’s production took a big hit. Last, season however, Witten had the best statistical season in franchise history. Witten hauled in 96 catches for 1,145 yards and 7 touchdowns. Witten is also a superb run-blocker, so much so that the Cowboys who carry fullbacks on the roster, line Witten up in the backfield as a blocker for Marion Barber. I also believe that on any other team, Witten would have augmented touchdown totals, but with Terrell Owens and Marion Barber on the same roster, Witten doesn’t get the red zone looks he would otherwise. I know he’s not the freakish physical specimen that Antonio Gates is, but as far as production and blocking-and maybe I’m still scarred from watching Witten outrun Michigan’s entire secondary in his last Citrus Bowl-but as far as the total package goes, I’ll take Witten all day.

2. Tony Gonzalez – I know a lot of you all are sleeping on the man, but let’s not forget that he revolutionized the position, and after revolutionizing it, has really yet to be outperformed by anyone. The only reason I put him behind Witten is that Witten is younger, and the fact that Gonzalez benefitted last season from being Kansas City’s only real option for most of the season. Without Larry Johnson, Damon Huard was new as a starter, and though he’d been in the system once you get into game situations, you’re still nervous and everyone knows that a solid tight end is every quarterback’s best friend (after a solid offensive line). Gonzalez had by all measures an amazing individual season last year and despite his age, continues to abuse defenses on a regular basis. Tony Gonzales had 99 catches, 1,172 yards and 5 touchdowns. In a less than stellar season for the organization, Gonzalez was a bright spot for the Chiefs, and with Larry Johnson reportedly healed from his foot injury, the drafting of Jamaal Charles to help the run game, along with the fact that Croyle will be using Gonzalez as his personal training wheels in the pass game, look for Gonzalez’ production to be comparable to what it was last season.

3. Antonio Gates – For being the physical specimen he’s supposed to be, I don’t think Gates’ production really matches all the talk. Listen, I LOVE Gates, I’m still getting over the fact that he didn’t play football in college, and he does present match-up nightmare for most teams, Gates caught 75 passes for 984 yards and 9 touchdowns last season. Given the fact that for the last five years, San Diego has not had any real receivers other than Gates, the fact that he’s only ever gone over 1,000 yards once shows me that he’s more of a red zone specialist. I also think that Philip Rivers’ development as a quarterback, coupled with Malcolm Floyd and Vincent Jackson blossoming as wide outs could lead to Gates finding it a bit more difficult to get to 1,000 yards, or it could in fact lead to him seeing more relaxed coverage, it’s really going to rest on how healthy Tomlinson is and Rivers’ ability to recognize favorable coverages for Gates when they’re there.

4. Kellen Winslow Jr. – Last year was really Winslow first year that he even came close to living up to all the bloviating he’d been doing about himself. Winslow had 82 catches for 1,106 and 5 touchdowns, but unfortunately for him, he was overshadowed by Braylon Edwards’ coming out party. Since he’s been in the league, Winslow Jr. has been running his mouth about how he feels he’s the best tight end in the league, I guess you always want a premiere receiver to have that kind of swagger and confidence [see: Bill Bellamy talking to mirror in Any Given Sunday], but I just can’t help but shake the feeling that somebody needs to remind Kellen that he may not even be the best receiver in his family. I just think that for the class of guys who play the same position as he does, he needs to go ahead and have more than one good season before he starts letting everyone know just how good he thinks he is. I will be looking to see how Winslow performs next season. Now having Donte’ Stallworth should take even more pressure off of Winslow giving him more opportunities. To me, Kellen Winslow has all the physical gifts to be a perennial standout, but he just needs some more time to put it all together I guess. I see only 5 touchdowns but I feel as though his touchdown total should be higher than that given that he should be a redzone threat.

5. Chris Cooley – Washington’s only big target (until this off-season), Cooley has benefitted from being a primary redzone option for the ‘Skins. Cooley and Clark are kind of the same kind of player, and even though Cooley didn’t score as many touch downs as Clark (few receivers did), he also doesn’t drop as many passes as Clark does. I also believe that in the true spirit of relativity, if Cooley played for the Colts, he would put up better numbers than Clark does (as would everyone else on this list) and if Clark played for the ‘Skins, he wouldn’t put up the same kind of numbers as Cooley. Cooley (as well as Winslow) is more of an h-back which to me is just a euphemism for him not being the strongest of blockers. Cooley lives for third downs and rarely comes up short. He’s not a volume producer, and that necessarily impacts my putting him a bit lower than the other guys, but top five is nothing to scoff at. However, his numbers are right on the cusp where there are some guys nipping at his heels. Most notably; Dallas Clark, if he can increase his yardage, and Owen Daniels [the young buck for the Texans], if he can increase his touchdown production.

Honorable Mention: You’d think I’d give this to Dallas Clark, but I’m going to go with Algernon Darius Crumpler. Don’t forget, I’m also taking into consideration next season, and I honestly believe that the fact that the Titans didn’t pick up any bona fide wide receivers this off season is great for Crumpler. Crumpler will reprise his role as the primary receiver on a team lead by a playmaking quarterback. With Vick’s incarceration, McNabb’s injuries, and Tarvaris Jackson in jeopardy of losing his job, Vince Young is the next closest thing to Vick left. Tennessee really doesn’t have any go-to wide receivers, and Vince Young will be working with a new offensive coordinator…remember what I said earlier quarterbacks still looking to get comfortable love their tight ends. Add to that what Crumpler learned from playing with Vick; when the pocket breaks down, just go, that ought to lead to more busted plays turned into large gains for the titans.

what’s all the fuss about?

Listen, I understand-at least fundamentally-what the aversion is to steroids, you don’t want young athletes getting the message that steroids are a viable alternative. But let’s be serious, I look at issues the same way as I do these anti-smoking campaigns and anti-drug campaigns. I didn’t smoke cigarettes and I didn’t take drugs, but it wasn’t because of any of those programs. Kids who want to smoke are going to smoke, and kids who want to will, that’s just the way it is; and steroids are the same way.

As far as the professional athletes, who cares? Let them do what they want. I mean, it just seems odd to me to draw the line at hgh, but all the other supplements they take are alright. People make that argument about it being disrespectful to the history of the game. I hear that, but I also know that on the whole, humanity doesn’t change, and if the things that are available now, were available back then, you can believe those athletes would have been all over it, the same as athletes today. You also have to realize that this performance enhancing craze is a ramification of sports going from pastime to industry. With all the money that we now pump into our professional sports, the stakes are no longer the same. When professional football started, the players had to get jobs during the off-season, now we’ve got NFL players being handed rookie contracts big enough to set their entire families up for life.

With athletes getting bigger, faster, stronger with every generation, the envelope keeps getting pushed further and further, and certain athletes feel they need something to keep them in the race and I for one, have no problem with it, because in the end, it’s just more entertaining for all us fans. I know people don’t want to hear it, but come one, do we really believe that Shawne Merriman and Rodney Harrison are the only NFL guys doping? Or that Lance Armstrong, against one of the most notoriously dirty fields in all of professional sports won seven CONSECUTIVE Tours de France…AFTER beating testicular cancer on the up and up? That Clemens’ fastball gained 6 mph in at the end of his 20 year career? That in one season, Bonds doubled his season average of home run balls by chance a couple of seasons after McGuire hit 71? It sounds bad to say, but some athletes stand to gain quite a bit…just ask Mr. Ankiel.

However, the thing you’ll notice about a lot of the athletes above is that they were already great players. I’m not saying that steroids didn’t help Clemens and Bonds, but what I am saying, is that were nobody taking steroids, they would probably still be at the top. That being said, here are a couple of professional athletes I think “should take/should have taken” designer steroids, because clearly whatever they’re doing isn’t working.

1. Andy Roddick: Between Roger and Rafa, there’s nothing left for Andy. Roddick has won all of one grand slam title (2003 US Open, I believe) and hasn’t been anywhere near relevant since. I’m not familiar with tennis, or designer steroids, but all the undeserved accolades that were showered upon “the next great American male tennis player,” just magnify how awful he is. At this point, ol’ boy’s gotta try something because all the attention and focus of all the American tennis world is still on him; and at this point, it’s just getting embarrassing. It’s to the point where ESPN should just save time and only tell us if Roddick actually does advance past the second round of any grand slam, as opposed to constantly reporting his early exits.

2. Freddie Mitchell: You might remember FredEx, as the loudmouthed former Eagle wideout who you can’t remember ever really being effective. Mitchell was surrounded by greatness, and he himself was just a scrub. Mitchell was drafted 25th overall in the 2001 draft, ahead of Reggie Wayne, Steve Smith, Chad Johnson, and TJ Houshmanzadeh. All of them have since gone on to become some of the elite, or close to elite receivers in the league, and most importantly are still in the league, while FredEx managed just 90 catches, 1,200 yards and 5 touchdowns in his 4 years with the Eagles. 5 touchdowns in 4 years, as a first round pick playing opposite of Terrell Owens, one of the most prolific receivers in league history. The embarrassment doesn’t stop there, Mitchell was also a high school baseball player, and one of his teammates; current Philadelphia Phillies stud, Chase Utley…yeah.

3. Barry Zito: Zito is in the second year (I think) of a 7 year $126M. This season, he’s about 4-12, with about a 5.6 ERA. He finished last year 11-13, which I guess isn’t a disastrous record. It only matters if you’re a team’s ace who makes $18M a year…oh wait. Imagine that, everyone knows you’re last contract made you one of the highest paid pitchers in the game, and since you signed it, you are 15-25. That’s enough to have anyone sweating like Patrick Ewing in the 4th. Being a terrible pitcher is ok, but being a terrible RIGHT after you sign a hundred million dollar deal is not. And what’s more, is the way he got terrible. Terrible consumed Zito faster than that flesh eating bacteria got Jim Henson. Maybe Barry needs to get on whatever regimen Clemens was on, cause he needs some ‘W’s…bad.

4. Darko Milicic: There was only one player drafted ahead of Milicic; LeBron James. Milicic went before Anthony, Bosh, Wade, David West, Leandro Barbosa, and Josh Howard to name a few. Last season, Darko put up 7 points and 6 rebounds per game. That’s a lot of stars and superstars to be in the same class as. I didn’t even mention the serviceable players like Kirk Hinrich, Kendrick Perkins and James Jones who went in the same draft. You’re seven feet tall and weigh almost 280 pounds, yet all you can come up with is 7 points and 6 rebounds a game…after being billed as the next Nowitzki. Now, I don’t really think that Bavarian cream puff is anything to write home about, but I most definitely think he’s an elite player in the league, and I most definitely wouldn’t call him a bust at where he was selected (I want to say 9th). It is clear that the comparisons to Dirk were both premature and overly ambitious, at this rate, I think Darko will be lucky if he can even be mentioned in the same breath as Mehmet Okur (just for the record, I like Okur). It’s time for Darko to step up [inject] and prove that he wasn’t a wasted pick. I think a steady cocktail of hgh and Jagermeister (aka angry juice) should help Darko develop the athleticism and mean streak needed to assert himself as a worthy inside presence.

5. Julius Jones: After bursting onto the scene his rookie year, Julius Jones had been one of the soft spots on the Cowboys’ roster. Jones rushed for 813 and 7 touchdowns in only 8 games as a rookie, and all signs pointed to him being Dallas’ next franchise back and the next in a line of gems discovered by Parcels outside of the first round. However, in 5 more games the next season, Jones only rushed for additional 180 or so yards and two fewer touchdowns. The blossoming of Marion Barber III only augmented Jones’ lack of tenacity, toughness and production as a runner. Barber electrifies Cowboy Nation with displays of ferocity from a running back one would expect from a linebacker, what’s more, Barber NEVER gives up on a run. Jones blamed his lack of productivity on Parcels’ stifling of his creativity. Well, last year was his big chance to prove himself, and well, Barber made the Pro Bowl. Maybe Jones needs a little “boost” to help him finish off those runs so that the fans in Seattle don’t soon realize that their “soft running back problem” is still a very real truth.

Kids, don’t at all take this as an endorsement of performance enhancing drugs. These are professionals with millions of dollars, reputations and pressures you cannot imagine. I’m merely suggesting a way out of their humiliation and embarrassment. Stay in school.

my fave five: wide receivers

You know the routine:

1. Randy Moss – Seen below doing his best gynecologist. If this was a list for most complete or most physically imposing, he wouldn’t be number one, but it’s not, and he is. Randy reeled in 23 touchdown passes last year, needless to say (but I will anyway) tops in the league. I hate to say I told you so, but I was sitting on my couch (quelle surprise) a little earlier than this time last year laughing at all the talking heads question whether Randy still had “it.” Well two weeks later Randy clocked a 4.25 in a forty yard dash during a personal workout in Florida; and I’m fairly certain it was non-wind aided. If you have the attention span (and intestinal fortitude) to keep reading my shit as time goes on, you’ll no-doubt “hear” me say that forty times for receivers aren’t everything. Well what I mean is forty times aren’t everything unless you’re talking about Randy Moss. Why? Because Randy is the only receiver I’ve ever seen who plays the game THE EXACT SAME WAY all of us did as kids; no hitches, no slants, no outs. Just you blowing by the guy in front of you and hauling in the big fish. The Patriots still play in the worst division in football, so I don’t really anticipate any sort of problem for Randissimo, and with Tom Brady pulling the trigger, this isn’t fish in a barrel, it’s Long John Silver’s…Y’arrr, Genius!

2. Terrell El Dorado Owens – Please understand that this is not a homer pick. I definitely believe that Owens is the second best receiver in the league. Over the last two years nobody can touch his kind of production; about 2,600 yards and 28 touchdowns. “Oh but what about the drops?!” Well, in case you forgot, TO has never had the best hands, he wasn’t just crying because he made the game winning catch, if you remember he had 6 or 7 drops in that game to that point. So all you people who LOVE to bring up his drops as if it’s the most original idea need to cool it. We won’t even go into the fact that two years ago (when he dropped 3 touchdown passes alone) that he had a torn ligament in his ring finger…oh and by the way, he still lead the league in touchdown receptions. So if I’m a T.O. hater, I’m not exactly bagging on his hands, because chances are, he’s already better than whoever your favorite receiver is. So yes, he drops “a ton” (1 drop per game, during his worst drop season two years ago) of balls, but clearly the ones he does catch, he does big, big things with; as evidenced by his 16.7 yard average (Moss was 15.2, Chad Johnson was 15.5).

3. Reggie Wayne – Yeah. I really enjoyed seeing Reggie Wayne assert himself last year. For quite some time, people (myself included) just looked at Wayne as a felicitous beneficiary of having Marvin Harrison on the other side. Well, not so much anymore. Though he doesn’t have the pure speed of Moss, or the power of Owens, Wayne is a great blend of the two. In his first season with no Harrison on the other side to garner the double coverage, what did Wayne do? Go out and lead the league in receiving yards with over 1,500. What about Chad Johnson? I hear you, but Johnson has always had the benefit of Houshmanzadeh on the other side (whom I think we’ve all seen is much better than we thought) and last year we saw what Wayne could do on his own. Not to mention, for a little while there, Johnson had Chris Henry as well. The other reason I put Reggie Wayne right here is his consistency. We all saw Moss get shut down in some games last year, but if you really think about it, you don’t ever really see that happen with Reggie Wayne. Wayne goes out week in and week out and produces, whether he’s the no.1 or the no.2 and whether or not he’s got adequate help on the other side.

4. Chad Johnson – I’m really starting to believe that old adage, “A lie told often enough, becomes the truth.” Chad Johnson really has people convinced, that he is just the most complete, dominant receiver in the game right now. It is in the same vein as Li’l Wayne repeating over, and over, and over again that he’s the “best rapper alive.” I mean they’re good, but they’re not the best. Chad Johnson talks a HUGE game for a receiver who has pulled down 10 or more touchdown passes exactly ONCE in his career (and that was back in 2003 when he had his career high of…well…10). Just to put it in perspective, Houshmanzadeh pulled in 12 touchdown passes last year, his career high. Houshmanzadeh had a breakout season last year (112 catches, 1,100 yards and 12 touchdowns), and I’m convinced it’s because the Bengals focused on him and not Chad. I’m not going to say that Houshmanzadeh didn’t benefit from having Johnson on the other side, but what I am saying is, who’s to say that had the roles not been reversed (as in had Johnson not come in as the higher draft pick) that Houshmanzadeh couldn’t have been stringing together monster years? What Chad Johnson does give you is a lot of yardage. He’s a high volume guy; a lot of catches, a lot of yards, but the touchdown production is just not commensurate with all the talk. Johnson and Reggie Wayne have both been in the league the same number of years and I’m fairly certain Johnson only has 2 more touchdown catches than Reggie Wayne who had to play second fiddle to Marvin Harrison until last season, when he had over 100 catches, over 1,500 yards and 10 touchdowns (by the way, Wayne’s career high is 12 touchdown receptions in 2004). So Chad Johnson is good, but he needs to calm down, because to put himself out there as if he’s the biggest game-breaker suiting up right now is laughable. However, I do think he will get his balls together and re-establish himself as a premiere receiver in the league next year; especially given the fact that Houshmanzadeh has been coming into his own as of late, and Chad doesn’t want to be outdone.

5. Marques Colston – I REALLY, REALLY wanted to put Braylon Edwards here, and with the kind of year he had last season, I probably would have been justified. However, given that monstrous year, as well as the fact that he will continue to be the no.1 for Cleveland, means he’s probably going to see much tighter coverage. Marques Colston, on the other hand had a huge season for a rookie; 70 catches, 1,000 yards, and 8 touchdowns in only 14 games. Colston put the league on notice with his rookie campaign, the league got ready last season, and Colston punched it in the mouth even harder, to the tune of 98 catches, 1,200 yards and 11 touchdowns. Colston is simply unreal. Armed with one of the league’s most brilliant offensive minds in Sean Payton, the possibilities for Colston are limitless. He’s a huge body, who covers all kinds of ground for his size, and I think people lost sight of him because of the sub-par season the Saints had last year. Last season also showed that Colston is the real deal, too often, guys have a breakout season, then when they have to deal with being the focus of coordinators, they fold. Colston has shown that he’s deserving of every accolade he gets. New Orleans better get smart and give him his money this season because all signs point to him being an indominable force for quite some time to come.

Honorable Mention: Braylon “B Easy” Edwards. As I stated earlier, I wanted him at no. 5, but it came down to the fact that I trust Sean Payton’s offensive genius more than whoever runs the Browns’ offense, as well as the fact that last year was Braylon’s first big year, if he can come back and do it again next season, then I will probably move him ahead of Colston simply because of his ability to make the circus catch, as well as his game-changing speed.

!!!

Is this thing on?! Does anybody speak any English?! Why is everybody looking at me like I’m crazy?!

Those are actually just some song lyrics, but I think they actually convey how I feel about this NBA off season thus far. I don’t remember an offseason like this with so much significant movement. And Elton Brand, ooooooh, I ain’t seen nothin’ that shady since Carlos Boozer. But in all seriousness, this free agent period was way more interesting/tragic than I anticipated.

It started with a rash of opt outs by some pretty big names. I was wondering why this would happen, but then when you consider the likes of the players who will be coming up in 2009 and 2010, Kobe, Iverson, McGrady, LeBron, Rasheed Wallace, Yao Ming, Dwayne Wade, Michael Redd, Dirk Nowitzki, Steve Nash, Amare, Manu, Chris Bosh…you get the idea. So it seems to me the players who opted out realized they better go ahead and get while the gettin’s good, because in the next two years the watering hole is going to dry up for lesser players. I understand that some of the players I listed will resign before they even hit free agency, but then again, nobody thought Elton Brand or Baron Davis would opt out.

Let’s start with Elton Brand. Elton Brand is a moron. “Philly suits my tough grind it out style,” he says. Bullshit, more like the West is too hard and I’m only concerned with making All Star teams and making a ton of cash without having to deal with the pressure of expectations. Brand spends all summer telling the Clippers that he just wants some help; they draft Eric Gordon (who I’m actually not sold on, but still). Reports were out that he specifically wanted the Clippers to target Baron “Boody Doo” Davis, they make it happen; then he promptly splits town. I’m going to borrow a term from a well spoken friend of mine, “What a pussois.” Brand turns down an offer from the Clippers to take $82M (which actually turned out to be $79.795M), and his excuse was “Oh, it’s closer to home, and I’m expecting my first child, and I want my baby’s grandparents to be close.” Elton, that’s fine, it’s not like for $80M you couldn’t fly the whole extended family out to the west coast once a month, but that’s neither here nor there. The problem I have is that as of two weeks ago, “your intent was to resign with the Clippers,” it’s not as if you didn’t know you had a baby on the way, or that California is about a six hour flight away from the New York. Those aren’t great truths humanity has just recently stumbled upon, you knew those things when it was supposedly your intent to stay in L.A. And it wasn’t just for the money because, the Clippers were giving you comparable money. So where does that leave us? With Brand being soft & selfish? Perhaps. But at the end of the day, what else would you expect from a Blue Devil? Somebody should tell his agent that it’s just poor Brand management. But don’t let all my hating fool you, as far as “seemingly” good guys (because nobody really knows these guys) I still feel Elton Brand, the person, is still good in my book…and $80M is $80M.

Baron Davis, I feel sorry for. I’m not saying he wouldn’t have gone to L.A. just for the money (he wasn’t going to see that kind of money from anyone else) but Brand no-doubt was a selling point in getting Boom Dizzle to sign. Now, I don’t know any of these guys, and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t call up Baron Davis if I wanted to, but my name also isn’t Elton Brand. I don’t think it would be impossible for Brand to call Davis (directly) and saying something to the effect of, “hey man, I’m out.” Again, I don’t know either of these guys, and Brand may have very well done that, and if he did, I commend him for not screwing a franchise as well as one of my favorite players in one fell swoop. All I know is, just watch Baron Davis and the newly minted member of the German National Hoops Squad (Chris Kaman) to do some things if they can stay on the court together.

From bone-headed player moves, to bone-headed organizations, the Milwaukee Bucks reportedly will re-sign their center to a 5 year $72.5M extension. Why are you looking at me like that? Ohhhh you don’t know who their center is. Andrew Bogus—I mean Bogut is all set to become the highest paid Aussie in the league. Think about that, an average of $14.5M dollars per year, [in contemplation] hmmm 14.5, 14.5 why does that number seem familiar? Oh I know, because that’s about how many points per game he averaged last season. I just don’t even get this, if you’re going to break the bank in keeping one of your stars, at least let it be someone you already know someone else is going to drop the bank on, but Andrew Bogut? This is like when Isiah drafted Renaldo Balkman because he “was certain” the Suns were going to draft him with the next selection. When asked about Renaldo Balkman, the Suns GM responded, “Who is Renaldo Balkman?” GMs all around the league most be pissed. All kinds of marginal players and their agents are going to show up and say, “Well Andrew’s dad gave him $72.5M!” Actually the more I think about it, it’s just funny; Elton Brand is only worth about $1.4M/year more than Andrew Bogut. Bogut better thank that agent, get him a Patek Philippe, or send his kids to college, oh wait, he already did.

my fave five: running backs

Welcome to part deux of “my fave five” series. Let’s take a look at who I expect to be the best 5 ball carriers (no homo) for next season. Again, let’s understand these rankings are mostly spewed from my rectum, but they land on a confluence of circumstances, skill level and production. Let’s hit the ground running…sorry.

1. Adrian Peterson (Minnesota, jackass) – [Cómo?!] Yes, “AD,” not “LT.” Besides just being an ABSOLUTE MAN, Peterson will be the only reliable offensive play in the Vikings’ playbook. The Vikings are really the Bears of two years ago, they’ve got a great team, just no [real] quarterback. Unless John David Booty is this year’s Ben Roethlisberger, or Tarvaris Jackson channels his inner Randall Cunningham, expect the NFC North to just get punched in the mouth week in and week out by Adrian Peterson. I hear your concerns about his durability, but you should consider that Peterson always gets dinged up, he’s used to it, and he always comes back and most importantly it doesn’t affect the way he runs, you hear that Shaun Alexander? The other reason Peterson is number one, is that we know how he deals with injury, LT got injured last postseason, and I still can’t shake that image of Tomlinson just sitting on the bench in Indy while Philip Rivers kept playing on one leg. Then there’s the little thing about Peterson going for just over 5.5 yards per carry last year…yeah, like I said ABSOLUTE MAN.

2. LaDainian Tomlinson – The guy most of you would have probably had number one. It’s like Jermaine said in “The Jacksons: An American Dream,” “Second’s not all bad, it’s not like we lost.” To which Joe Jackson retorted “Second is losing, now go get a switch.” And I imagine if Tomlinson looked at this list, he would feel the same way. Tomlinson is still the prototypical running back and over the first ‘n’ years of his career, you’d be hard-pressed to find many in history who have outperformed him. LT also led the league in rushing last regular season, but as I said earlier, it’s that image from last post-season I can’t shake. Additionally, I honestly—and leave a comment if I’ve just had a brainfart—but, I cannot remember Tomlinson ever being injured (or at least so injured that he couldn’t play). That really makes me wonder, whether he’ll be able to come back without any hesitation or temerity. The other reason I drop him a shade behind Peterson is that the Chargers young receivers have gotten better and I anticipate the coaching staff opening it up a bit more for Rivers to take it to the air. Now here is the one disclaimer; if I’ve in fact gotten it backfield’s capacity for genuflection backwards and Rivers, not Tomlinson is the one who is having issues with his knee, then expect the Tomlinson run until he can’t anymore.

3. Clinton Portis – Yeah I know, weird right? But think about it, with a majority of the other running games in the league going to two-back sets, Portis is one of few lone feature backs left, and I don’t see any reason for him to regress from last season (Portis was #6 in the league in rushing last season). In fact Washington binged on wide receivers during the off season and if any of them pan out, that could really help Portis rip off even more play action runs than he usually does. Now I know the ‘Skins will be breaking in a new head coach in Zorn, and with that a new system, but we all know that the easiest thing to do in the NFL is run the football, so even if Jason Campbell struggles to pick up the new system (which in my humble opinion is unlikely, given it HAS to be easier than Saunders’ 700 page “pamphlet”) you can bet three calls will be standard, “Jason, turn around and hand the ball to Portis,” “Jason, pitch the ball out to Portis,” “Jason, pass the ball to Portis out of the backfield.” Fact is, Portis is versatile as fuck, and it doesn’t much matter the system, and pardon the Ebonics, but he go’n git his. And all that two 1,000 yard backs talk needs to stop, you play your best running back until he’s tired, then you put in your back up until your starter is not tired anymore; and reports out of ‘Skins camp are that Portis is in the best shape of his career, so maybe Betts can spend some of his extra time helping with this flood relief back at Iowa.

4. Larry Johnson – This is probably my boldest pick. Given the fact that I just spent all that noise at pick #2 wondering if Tomlinson could come back from the injury that sidelined him last post season, and here I am showing confidence in a guy who missed the latter half of the season. Hear me out though, I just am really confident that LJ’s foot is all better, because the only bonus of going down with half the regular season left is, you have an extra half season to recover. Not to mention that the Chief’s draft selections were actually geared to help LJ. Unlike the Rams’ selections, which essentially is the reason I have LJ here, and not the Vegas Wunderkind. The Chiefs picked up Brandon Albert, who ALL the coaches were just drooling over at the All-Star games and camps. Now I hear all you yukmouths saying “but he’s a guard, and they want him to play tackle.” I say, “yeah, and?” Name me one player on the Chief’s O-line right now? Don’t worry, I’ll wait… … … Get my drift? That line blows, ask Trent Green (you know what never mind don’t, he probably doesn’t remember). The point is, even if Albert doesn’t work out at tackle, he can play at guard, and last I checked you need all five to block for a running back. The second thing the Chiefs did was pick up Jamaal Charles. Now, I hate this phrase as much as you pretend to, but this is an instance of “addition by subtraction.” Charles proved at Texas that he was an explosive runner (he also proved that he had no intent of showing up for final exams). Luckily for him, the only thing the Chiefs are going to ask Charles to do is spell Johnson, and by taking just a few of his carries away, the Chiefs will ensure themselves a fresher (or is it more fresh? Goddamned comparative) workhorse. And as we all know, a fresh horse won’t die on you at the end of a race…too soon?

5. Stephen Jackson – This one is actually going to be pretty short. Again, like Portis, Jackson benefits from not being a specialist and just flat out being the α male in the back field. Leonard had a chance to show the team some things while Jackson was out last season, but I think the Rams’ coaching staff knows what they’ve got in Jackson, and that’s a jack of all trades, a J.O.A.T [read: “jote”] if you will. And just like Peterson, Jackson stands to benefit if the quarterback play struggles. Marc Bulger STRUGGLED last season. Some say it’s because he’s getting old, some say it’s because he’s injury prone, I say it’s because he went to “school” at WVU, and he spells Marc…well you see how he spells it. And for those of you who are quick to point out their acquisition of Trent Green as an insurance policy, I ask you to reconsider. They brought Green in because Bulger maybe too old or too injury prone, well if you ask me, if there are two things we KNOW about Green, it’s his teeth are long, and given the last couple of seasons, the clap at the break of the huddle maybe enough for him to forget the play call.

Honorable Mention: Fast Willie Parker. Honestly, had the Steelers not drafted a pretty complete looking back in Rashard Mendenhall in the first round, Fast Willie, just may have made my list, but I really see him and Mendenhall (as running back is one of the easiest, if not THE easiest position to transition to the next level) being a true tandem. I don’t see anything overly complex about the Steelers pass protection that will keep Mendenhall sidelined very long.

That said, here are my top 5 tandems, since so many teams are going to a two back system. Here’s the only thing I’ve disqualified the backfields ranked above, only Parker and Mendenhall are eligible to make this list. These are the backfields that I anticipate will be pure tandems…I don’t mean exact 50-50, but the load will be shared or each back will be a specialist. I don’t provide explanations, just let it wash over you.

1. Fred Taylor & Maurice Jones-Drew

2. Brandon Jacobs & Ahmad Bradshaw

3. Marion Barber & Felix Jones

4. Willie Parker & Rashard Mendenhall

5. Joseph Addai & Dominick Rhodes

Honorable Mention: I wanted to put Michael Turner & Jerious Norwood on here (REALLY, REALLY bad), but alas, the Atlanta Falcons are REALLY, REALLY bad.