what’s all the fuss about?

Listen, I understand-at least fundamentally-what the aversion is to steroids, you don’t want young athletes getting the message that steroids are a viable alternative. But let’s be serious, I look at issues the same way as I do these anti-smoking campaigns and anti-drug campaigns. I didn’t smoke cigarettes and I didn’t take drugs, but it wasn’t because of any of those programs. Kids who want to smoke are going to smoke, and kids who want to will, that’s just the way it is; and steroids are the same way.

As far as the professional athletes, who cares? Let them do what they want. I mean, it just seems odd to me to draw the line at hgh, but all the other supplements they take are alright. People make that argument about it being disrespectful to the history of the game. I hear that, but I also know that on the whole, humanity doesn’t change, and if the things that are available now, were available back then, you can believe those athletes would have been all over it, the same as athletes today. You also have to realize that this performance enhancing craze is a ramification of sports going from pastime to industry. With all the money that we now pump into our professional sports, the stakes are no longer the same. When professional football started, the players had to get jobs during the off-season, now we’ve got NFL players being handed rookie contracts big enough to set their entire families up for life.

With athletes getting bigger, faster, stronger with every generation, the envelope keeps getting pushed further and further, and certain athletes feel they need something to keep them in the race and I for one, have no problem with it, because in the end, it’s just more entertaining for all us fans. I know people don’t want to hear it, but come one, do we really believe that Shawne Merriman and Rodney Harrison are the only NFL guys doping? Or that Lance Armstrong, against one of the most notoriously dirty fields in all of professional sports won seven CONSECUTIVE Tours de France…AFTER beating testicular cancer on the up and up? That Clemens’ fastball gained 6 mph in at the end of his 20 year career? That in one season, Bonds doubled his season average of home run balls by chance a couple of seasons after McGuire hit 71? It sounds bad to say, but some athletes stand to gain quite a bit…just ask Mr. Ankiel.

However, the thing you’ll notice about a lot of the athletes above is that they were already great players. I’m not saying that steroids didn’t help Clemens and Bonds, but what I am saying, is that were nobody taking steroids, they would probably still be at the top. That being said, here are a couple of professional athletes I think “should take/should have taken” designer steroids, because clearly whatever they’re doing isn’t working.

1. Andy Roddick: Between Roger and Rafa, there’s nothing left for Andy. Roddick has won all of one grand slam title (2003 US Open, I believe) and hasn’t been anywhere near relevant since. I’m not familiar with tennis, or designer steroids, but all the undeserved accolades that were showered upon “the next great American male tennis player,” just magnify how awful he is. At this point, ol’ boy’s gotta try something because all the attention and focus of all the American tennis world is still on him; and at this point, it’s just getting embarrassing. It’s to the point where ESPN should just save time and only tell us if Roddick actually does advance past the second round of any grand slam, as opposed to constantly reporting his early exits.

2. Freddie Mitchell: You might remember FredEx, as the loudmouthed former Eagle wideout who you can’t remember ever really being effective. Mitchell was surrounded by greatness, and he himself was just a scrub. Mitchell was drafted 25th overall in the 2001 draft, ahead of Reggie Wayne, Steve Smith, Chad Johnson, and TJ Houshmanzadeh. All of them have since gone on to become some of the elite, or close to elite receivers in the league, and most importantly are still in the league, while FredEx managed just 90 catches, 1,200 yards and 5 touchdowns in his 4 years with the Eagles. 5 touchdowns in 4 years, as a first round pick playing opposite of Terrell Owens, one of the most prolific receivers in league history. The embarrassment doesn’t stop there, Mitchell was also a high school baseball player, and one of his teammates; current Philadelphia Phillies stud, Chase Utley…yeah.

3. Barry Zito: Zito is in the second year (I think) of a 7 year $126M. This season, he’s about 4-12, with about a 5.6 ERA. He finished last year 11-13, which I guess isn’t a disastrous record. It only matters if you’re a team’s ace who makes $18M a year…oh wait. Imagine that, everyone knows you’re last contract made you one of the highest paid pitchers in the game, and since you signed it, you are 15-25. That’s enough to have anyone sweating like Patrick Ewing in the 4th. Being a terrible pitcher is ok, but being a terrible RIGHT after you sign a hundred million dollar deal is not. And what’s more, is the way he got terrible. Terrible consumed Zito faster than that flesh eating bacteria got Jim Henson. Maybe Barry needs to get on whatever regimen Clemens was on, cause he needs some ‘W’s…bad.

4. Darko Milicic: There was only one player drafted ahead of Milicic; LeBron James. Milicic went before Anthony, Bosh, Wade, David West, Leandro Barbosa, and Josh Howard to name a few. Last season, Darko put up 7 points and 6 rebounds per game. That’s a lot of stars and superstars to be in the same class as. I didn’t even mention the serviceable players like Kirk Hinrich, Kendrick Perkins and James Jones who went in the same draft. You’re seven feet tall and weigh almost 280 pounds, yet all you can come up with is 7 points and 6 rebounds a game…after being billed as the next Nowitzki. Now, I don’t really think that Bavarian cream puff is anything to write home about, but I most definitely think he’s an elite player in the league, and I most definitely wouldn’t call him a bust at where he was selected (I want to say 9th). It is clear that the comparisons to Dirk were both premature and overly ambitious, at this rate, I think Darko will be lucky if he can even be mentioned in the same breath as Mehmet Okur (just for the record, I like Okur). It’s time for Darko to step up [inject] and prove that he wasn’t a wasted pick. I think a steady cocktail of hgh and Jagermeister (aka angry juice) should help Darko develop the athleticism and mean streak needed to assert himself as a worthy inside presence.

5. Julius Jones: After bursting onto the scene his rookie year, Julius Jones had been one of the soft spots on the Cowboys’ roster. Jones rushed for 813 and 7 touchdowns in only 8 games as a rookie, and all signs pointed to him being Dallas’ next franchise back and the next in a line of gems discovered by Parcels outside of the first round. However, in 5 more games the next season, Jones only rushed for additional 180 or so yards and two fewer touchdowns. The blossoming of Marion Barber III only augmented Jones’ lack of tenacity, toughness and production as a runner. Barber electrifies Cowboy Nation with displays of ferocity from a running back one would expect from a linebacker, what’s more, Barber NEVER gives up on a run. Jones blamed his lack of productivity on Parcels’ stifling of his creativity. Well, last year was his big chance to prove himself, and well, Barber made the Pro Bowl. Maybe Jones needs a little “boost” to help him finish off those runs so that the fans in Seattle don’t soon realize that their “soft running back problem” is still a very real truth.

Kids, don’t at all take this as an endorsement of performance enhancing drugs. These are professionals with millions of dollars, reputations and pressures you cannot imagine. I’m merely suggesting a way out of their humiliation and embarrassment. Stay in school.