my fave five: running backs

Welcome to part deux of “my fave five” series. Let’s take a look at who I expect to be the best 5 ball carriers (no homo) for next season. Again, let’s understand these rankings are mostly spewed from my rectum, but they land on a confluence of circumstances, skill level and production. Let’s hit the ground running…sorry.

1. Adrian Peterson (Minnesota, jackass) – [Cómo?!] Yes, “AD,” not “LT.” Besides just being an ABSOLUTE MAN, Peterson will be the only reliable offensive play in the Vikings’ playbook. The Vikings are really the Bears of two years ago, they’ve got a great team, just no [real] quarterback. Unless John David Booty is this year’s Ben Roethlisberger, or Tarvaris Jackson channels his inner Randall Cunningham, expect the NFC North to just get punched in the mouth week in and week out by Adrian Peterson. I hear your concerns about his durability, but you should consider that Peterson always gets dinged up, he’s used to it, and he always comes back and most importantly it doesn’t affect the way he runs, you hear that Shaun Alexander? The other reason Peterson is number one, is that we know how he deals with injury, LT got injured last postseason, and I still can’t shake that image of Tomlinson just sitting on the bench in Indy while Philip Rivers kept playing on one leg. Then there’s the little thing about Peterson going for just over 5.5 yards per carry last year…yeah, like I said ABSOLUTE MAN.

2. LaDainian Tomlinson – The guy most of you would have probably had number one. It’s like Jermaine said in “The Jacksons: An American Dream,” “Second’s not all bad, it’s not like we lost.” To which Joe Jackson retorted “Second is losing, now go get a switch.” And I imagine if Tomlinson looked at this list, he would feel the same way. Tomlinson is still the prototypical running back and over the first ‘n’ years of his career, you’d be hard-pressed to find many in history who have outperformed him. LT also led the league in rushing last regular season, but as I said earlier, it’s that image from last post-season I can’t shake. Additionally, I honestly—and leave a comment if I’ve just had a brainfart—but, I cannot remember Tomlinson ever being injured (or at least so injured that he couldn’t play). That really makes me wonder, whether he’ll be able to come back without any hesitation or temerity. The other reason I drop him a shade behind Peterson is that the Chargers young receivers have gotten better and I anticipate the coaching staff opening it up a bit more for Rivers to take it to the air. Now here is the one disclaimer; if I’ve in fact gotten it backfield’s capacity for genuflection backwards and Rivers, not Tomlinson is the one who is having issues with his knee, then expect the Tomlinson run until he can’t anymore.

3. Clinton Portis – Yeah I know, weird right? But think about it, with a majority of the other running games in the league going to two-back sets, Portis is one of few lone feature backs left, and I don’t see any reason for him to regress from last season (Portis was #6 in the league in rushing last season). In fact Washington binged on wide receivers during the off season and if any of them pan out, that could really help Portis rip off even more play action runs than he usually does. Now I know the ‘Skins will be breaking in a new head coach in Zorn, and with that a new system, but we all know that the easiest thing to do in the NFL is run the football, so even if Jason Campbell struggles to pick up the new system (which in my humble opinion is unlikely, given it HAS to be easier than Saunders’ 700 page “pamphlet”) you can bet three calls will be standard, “Jason, turn around and hand the ball to Portis,” “Jason, pitch the ball out to Portis,” “Jason, pass the ball to Portis out of the backfield.” Fact is, Portis is versatile as fuck, and it doesn’t much matter the system, and pardon the Ebonics, but he go’n git his. And all that two 1,000 yard backs talk needs to stop, you play your best running back until he’s tired, then you put in your back up until your starter is not tired anymore; and reports out of ‘Skins camp are that Portis is in the best shape of his career, so maybe Betts can spend some of his extra time helping with this flood relief back at Iowa.

4. Larry Johnson – This is probably my boldest pick. Given the fact that I just spent all that noise at pick #2 wondering if Tomlinson could come back from the injury that sidelined him last post season, and here I am showing confidence in a guy who missed the latter half of the season. Hear me out though, I just am really confident that LJ’s foot is all better, because the only bonus of going down with half the regular season left is, you have an extra half season to recover. Not to mention that the Chief’s draft selections were actually geared to help LJ. Unlike the Rams’ selections, which essentially is the reason I have LJ here, and not the Vegas Wunderkind. The Chiefs picked up Brandon Albert, who ALL the coaches were just drooling over at the All-Star games and camps. Now I hear all you yukmouths saying “but he’s a guard, and they want him to play tackle.” I say, “yeah, and?” Name me one player on the Chief’s O-line right now? Don’t worry, I’ll wait… … … Get my drift? That line blows, ask Trent Green (you know what never mind don’t, he probably doesn’t remember). The point is, even if Albert doesn’t work out at tackle, he can play at guard, and last I checked you need all five to block for a running back. The second thing the Chiefs did was pick up Jamaal Charles. Now, I hate this phrase as much as you pretend to, but this is an instance of “addition by subtraction.” Charles proved at Texas that he was an explosive runner (he also proved that he had no intent of showing up for final exams). Luckily for him, the only thing the Chiefs are going to ask Charles to do is spell Johnson, and by taking just a few of his carries away, the Chiefs will ensure themselves a fresher (or is it more fresh? Goddamned comparative) workhorse. And as we all know, a fresh horse won’t die on you at the end of a race…too soon?

5. Stephen Jackson – This one is actually going to be pretty short. Again, like Portis, Jackson benefits from not being a specialist and just flat out being the α male in the back field. Leonard had a chance to show the team some things while Jackson was out last season, but I think the Rams’ coaching staff knows what they’ve got in Jackson, and that’s a jack of all trades, a J.O.A.T [read: “jote”] if you will. And just like Peterson, Jackson stands to benefit if the quarterback play struggles. Marc Bulger STRUGGLED last season. Some say it’s because he’s getting old, some say it’s because he’s injury prone, I say it’s because he went to “school” at WVU, and he spells Marc…well you see how he spells it. And for those of you who are quick to point out their acquisition of Trent Green as an insurance policy, I ask you to reconsider. They brought Green in because Bulger maybe too old or too injury prone, well if you ask me, if there are two things we KNOW about Green, it’s his teeth are long, and given the last couple of seasons, the clap at the break of the huddle maybe enough for him to forget the play call.

Honorable Mention: Fast Willie Parker. Honestly, had the Steelers not drafted a pretty complete looking back in Rashard Mendenhall in the first round, Fast Willie, just may have made my list, but I really see him and Mendenhall (as running back is one of the easiest, if not THE easiest position to transition to the next level) being a true tandem. I don’t see anything overly complex about the Steelers pass protection that will keep Mendenhall sidelined very long.

That said, here are my top 5 tandems, since so many teams are going to a two back system. Here’s the only thing I’ve disqualified the backfields ranked above, only Parker and Mendenhall are eligible to make this list. These are the backfields that I anticipate will be pure tandems…I don’t mean exact 50-50, but the load will be shared or each back will be a specialist. I don’t provide explanations, just let it wash over you.

1. Fred Taylor & Maurice Jones-Drew

2. Brandon Jacobs & Ahmad Bradshaw

3. Marion Barber & Felix Jones

4. Willie Parker & Rashard Mendenhall

5. Joseph Addai & Dominick Rhodes

Honorable Mention: I wanted to put Michael Turner & Jerious Norwood on here (REALLY, REALLY bad), but alas, the Atlanta Falcons are REALLY, REALLY bad.